This is my 100th blogger post! I've been blogging for about eight or so years now using various programs, so, in truth, this is probably my millionth post.
I love to write. When I was in highschool, I also kept a paper journal. These journals are quite scary to look through. Wandering through a teenager's mind can be a frightening thing! I remember feeling hopeless. I felt different from the rest of my family, different from those at school, too- like I didn't fit in. I was a creative person, and usually expressed myself through poetry or art. Some of the things I wrote were dark and dismal, sometimes I wrote happy things, but I often wrote about being broken hearted, lost, and alone.
I grew up reading the bible, but back then, it seemed like this inspirational guide to life (with frightening, intimating stories mixed in). I read it, but there was a veil over my eyes. I still felt lost and hopeless, and day after day I would fall into bed feeling like a failure. I just couldn't live up to the standard. I was doomed.
When God revealed the mystery to me- when I begged the Lord to clean the slate... take away everything I had previously learned about the bible from others and replace it with His wisdom as I read the bible- I began to feel so much freedom. I began to see that the law is to show us that we are incapable of perfection, incapable of reaching God's standard on our own.
God began to show me how those things that were different about me, those things that made me feel like I didn't belong or fit in, were actually gifts. He reminded me that He had made each person unique, with special talents and gifts, with different attitudes and personalities.... all for a reason.
Before, I found myself dragging my guilt along side me wherever I went as if permanently chained and bound to it. The LORD set me free. He revealed the purpose of His grace and mercy.
I was trying to obtain salvation on my own- by my good works, but the LORD revealed, through his Word, that salvation is through Jesus Christ alone. No wonder I felt miserable at the end of the day- I was trying to achieve perfection alone, something impossible to do without the blood of Jesus Christ.
When I think over those years recorded in my teenage journals, I think about the lostness, the hopelessness..... all that guilt... and those years I thought I was walking with Christ but I NEVER KNEW HIM.
I know there are many out there living like I was- reading and praying, but feeling like God is distant. Trying to live their lives for God, but never really knowing God. Reading the bible but never really understanding.
Faith, wisdom, and understanding come from the LORD. We nourish these things by getting into the Word and coming to Him in prayer- meeting with Him and having quiet time.
As we see in the bible, only Jesus can make the blind see. My prayer is that anyone who is struggling with their faith would really come to know and understand Jesus and the promises God has given us.
It is a miserable thing to feel the way I once did... but I know God had to bring me to the end of myself and help me understand that I was horrible at living and directing my own life in order for me to turn it over to Him!