Today is a difficult day.
Today is a day when I wish my mom was here. My old mom. Mom-before-the-accident Mom.
... to hold the baby while I get some much needed rest.
... to whip up breakfast so I can focus on other people and things that demand my attention in the morning.
... to toss together a healthy lunch for the kids so my husband can rest.
... to have my favorite baked (whole) chicken, seasoned so perfectly, baking in the oven for supper.
My mom, pre-2001, would have been able to do all that and more. In fact, she would have done all of that and had the house perfectly clean, clothes washed and folded, and dessert baking in the oven before lunch time.
I know she wants to be able to do all of this, and it kills her that she's unable. It kills me too, not because I need a maid, but because I want my Momma. Someone to play with the kids and give them attention. Someone to be up with me when I'm up at 3am (for the day) with a gassy baby who is wriggling and writhing and refusing sleep (oh goodness, what did I eat to cause that?).
And that's okay. It's okay for me to want my Momma, and it's okay for me to mourn that it will never be like that. And it's okay for my Momma to want to be here and mourn that she cannot do that for me.
I know she has spent many days in tears since Molly Jo's birth (13 days ago) crying because she wanted to see her newest grandchild and couldn't make it out here, crying because she wanted to be there and help but wasn't able, crying because... it is a loss, it is a death, and every event like this makes us all realize it.