I am so weary.
This is going to sound like a very whiny post. I won't even bother make excuses for it.
I have had this cold for over a week, and each day I go to bed hoping I will feel clear-headed in the morning, and yet, here I am, headache and sloshy-feeling. Yet, I felt very optimistic because this coming week is a big week. My husband has taken a week off to start building our home, and so all last week I looked forward to getting better so that the kids and I could spend some time out on the land, pitching in where possible or at the least being cheerful observers of the first moments of our home's progress.
This past week has been a huge struggle to trust the Lord and stay present with my family, not dwelling on my sickness. And then I lost my voice, and well, when you have five children, you can imagine how terribly inconvenient it is to only be able to whisper to them, especially when you are trying to keep up some pace of homeschooling (since it seemed unfruitful to start up and get a routine going only to completely throw it aside for a bit). I found myself telling the Lord, "I can't do this!" many times a day, and just committing to trust and lean on Him for the next five minutes, until I again cried out, "I can't do this!" and again committed to trust and depend on Him.
So I was definitely feeling optimistic when my voice returned, and I no longer felt like death... until I woke up this morning and my little boy was throwing up!
I really felt like throwing a fit. I mean, seriously? Seriously? Are you kidding me? There's something you should know about me. I don't deal well with throw up. So, of course, this is the sickness my children usually come down with- something involving vomit.
And we all know how these sorts of things go in a large family. Each child has to take their turn, so I'm already inwardly groaning about how this newest funk is going to knock us out of life for yet another week (or more). And I want to cry. If I was the crying type, I would be bawling right now. But crying gives me a headache, and I've already got one, and I don't want to make it worse. So, no crying.
Instead I find myself asking Him why, at this precise time, when something really awesome and cool and exciting is going on, am I to be shut into a dungeon of sickness? I am so frustrated. I think I'm even a little angry.
On one hand I realize that I am not going to miss out on everything. We will get better, and our home will still be in the process of being built, and I will still get to experience the joy of it. But right now, I'm flustered.
I realize I being completely snotty and totally missing the point when my flesh is screaming, "Really? I suffered through a week of various trials and kept my heart turned toward You, and now this is the reward I get?"
And then I have to laugh at my own ridiculousness.
But still, I'm sad. I'm bummed. I'm frustrated. And every moment I have to pry my heart away from clinging to these feelings, directing it to look towards the hope in Christ.
It's dumb how, even though it's just sickness—which we have all experienced and is really, in the grand scheme of things, no big deal— it seems to hopeless. While God continues to whisper to me that He will give me strength for the moment, sometimes I feel like that is just not enough.... maybe it's because it's not what I want, even though it's what I need. What I want is to be rescued, to be removed from the situation, to receive complete relief. I'm telling God, "I don't want strength in the struggle, I want to struggle to go away!"
Then I remember that's now how character is built and lessons are learned. Part of His discipline is to teach me how to rely on Him through the struggle and suffering. I won't learn patience and perseverance if He always removes the struggle.
On the other side, it will probably seem like a silly little struggle. I mean, it's just a cold. It's just throw up. It's just this. It's just that. But right now it seems like a big boulder, a massive mountain in my way. And yet, it is often the little things in life that the Lord uses to teach me great lessons about Himself and draw me nearer within my heart.