If I had to pick a word or phrase that captured 2016 it would be
because it was absolutely a long season of this process of breaking.
A needful process.
A not-done process.
While the circumstances have been totally different, the feeling has been much like when I first came to know Jesus. He was calling me, is still calling me, to a deeper walk, and while I would confess with my mouth that I wanted that, many of my actions did not speak of a woman devoted to Christ. He was calling me to lay things on the altar that I had a death-grip on.
Where your treasure is there shall your heart be also.
I quickly found I could not serve two masters. In fact, I can only be loyal to one. You, God, You called out to me, "Who will you be loyal to? Where is your heart?"
He showed me that by trying to protect myself, my friendships, my life, my reputation... I would lose, I would lose it all in the end. And I would lose Him. He asked if I would be willing to lose it all for His sake, to lose it all and gain Him.
He said so much without saying much. Weird how He does that.
What is your life, Mandy?
Where are you headed?
Is this what you want your legacy to be?
You can have as much of Me as you want, dear.
If you find yourself with so little, then you must want something more than me.
What do you want more than me?
Is that worth losing your life over?
Is anything worth losing Me, my dear Mandy?
Question after question slammed and broke me.
Broke me down.
You know when you've been broken.
You know when you've hit a huge transformational transition.
A total paradigm shift.
You know when your world has been beautifully and wonderfully and forever wrecked by and for Jesus.
I know because I've had an experience like this once before, and it forever changed me. It forever transformed my marriage, how I interact with my spouse. Saved me. Saved my marriage.
Oh yes, this year was rough. Mostly marked by depression, but Christ... He has truly set me free! In what seems like one swoop of His hand, He has delivered me from anger, depression, a heart of criticism, and many other issues I have dealt with my entire life.
He did it.
And I know I must keep myself surrendered to Him in order to stay free.
Freedom, I see and know and experience, is by the Spirit, by being under the Spirit, under His covering, submitted, humbled, like a child.
Oh how this year has been a very, very humbling one. I want to tell everyone what the Lord has done, but words are not adequate. I try, and a jumble of words come out. I don't even make sense.
I probably sound like a crazy person.
But I don't care.
And that's a miracle. I don't care. Who would have thought I could come to that place?
I truly don't care what people think about what the Lord is doing in my life. Their opinion matters not. I have come to see that truly (TRULY) it only matters what my Father God thinks. What if I please the world (as if this were even possible) and grieve my God? No! I will not walk in that anymore. I will not be driven by man's approval. I can't do it anymore. It is a stomach that is never satisfied.
His breaking of me has shown me my great (GREAAAT) neediness for Him and thereby, His great ability and His great love. Seriously, I've never felt so loved in my life, and yet this great love has been there all along. I had tasted of it, but now, I feel it. Feel it flooding over me like a waterfall. Day after day. Moment after moment.
I am asking Him to take me deeper. I know He will. He has heard my heart on my "clearer" days for more of Him, and His breaking of me has been His answer to my cry to know Him.